“Radiohead made me an atheist.”

EXT. PEARLY GATES — DAY

A thirty-something man approaches the gates, which are flanked by two old guys with wispy white beards. One of said old guys [Jonathan Banks*] stands near a console with a big red button, and holds his clipboard at the ready while staring quite sternly at the approaching younger man. The other old guy is oblivious to the approaching man, as he converses enthusiastically with a young woman, his back to the camera.

STERN OLD GUY

Mr…Kirsterser? Kenterten?

YOUNG GUY

Ke, Kes-ter-son. Yeah, at a glance it looks a little harder than it is.

STERN OLD GUY

Says here you’re an atheist? Even somewhat outspoken about it?

YOUNG GUY

Yeah. I mean…yeah.

STERN OLD GUY

Feeling sheepish about that now? Any remorse?

YOUNG GUY

Well, no. Not, not really.

STERN OLD GUY

What do you mean, not really? Do you want me to summon our LORD right here and now, so you can see for yourself?

YOUNG GUY

And if I still have my doubts? What happens to me then?

STERN OLD GUY

Lake of fire, you cocky little shit. But anyway it’s too late for that now. Even if you changed your mind.

YOUNG GUY

But, I’m not trying to be cocky. Really. I mean, are we talking Anselm’s God here? That being than which none greater can be conceived?

A blank, dumbfounded stare issues from Stern Old Guy. Enthusiastic Old Guy continues to converse with the young woman at the other side of the gates.

YOUNG GUY

So, ok, your LORD is in the business of consigning people to the lake of fire?

STERN OLD GUY

People like you, yes.

YOUNG GUY

But…what’s the point? What good does that accomplish?

STERN OLD GUY

What do you mean, what’s the point?! The point is so that we can watch Muslim fucks like you burn forever.

Young Guy shoots him a shocked and puzzled look. Stern Old Guy checks his notes.

STERN OLD GUY (CONT’D)

Er, godless fucks in your case, rather. Fucks of whatever type.

Stern Old Guy is looking quite exasperated now.

YOUNG GUY

(rushing, sensing he’s running out of time)

Ok, ok, but, it’s sorta complicated, don’t you think? I mean, long story short, if we’re talking about God here–you know, God of the philosophers and all that–then there’s gotta be some sort of greater good that can only be achieved by consigning people to the lake of fire, right?…

Stern Old Guy holds a hand to an ear, as if to say “huh? can’t hear you.”

YOUNG GUY

(even more desperate, almost slurring his words together at points)

And, I mean, what greater good could that possibly be? I mean, ok, look, I’ll grant that strictly speaking it’s logically possible that there’s some justifying greater good here, of course. But, lacking any insight into what that greater good might be, it’s just overwhelmingly unlikely that your LORD is the greatest conceivable being. I mean, am I making any sense here?! This ringing a bell at all?!

Stern Old Guy reaches for the big red button on the nearby console.

ENTHUSIASTIC OLD GUY

[Moment of the big reveal: Will Ferrell** turns to face the camera]

Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait, wait, wait!!!

Stern Old Guy pauses.

ENTHUSIASTIC OLD GUY (CONT’D)

Paul, hang on a minute! Give me a moment, will you?

PAUL

Ugh, Peter. So, are you finished with her then?

PETER

Ok, just, one second…

Peter turns back to the young woman he had been conversing with.

PETER (CONT’D)

Well, it’s been SO great to meet you! You take care, ok? Can I just give you a big hug?

Without waiting for a response, he clutches her in a tight embrace. Then Paul hits the big red button and she slips through Peter’s grasp, down a trap door which has opened beneath her. We hear her scream of terror rapidly recede into the distance.

PETER (CONT’D)

(to young guy, indicating toward Paul)

Geepers, a little trigger happy that one.

PETER (CONT’D)

Ok, it was Jeff, right?

JEFF

(quite unsettled)

Yeah.

PETER

Oh great! I saw your notes pop up in the queue a few minutes ago and I’ve been itching to chat!

Peter scans the notes on his clipboard.

PETER (CONT’D)

Oh yes! Here we are. It says that on–well, there’s no exact date given–but at any rate, at some indefinite point you realized that you love Massive Attack…more than you love our LORD Jesus?

JEFF

Huh. Yeah, that’s not a bad way to put it, I guess.

PETER

Ok, lemme just say that Mezzanine is one of our LORD’s absolute favs. I’m talking, way, waaay up there for our LORD!

JEFF

Yeah, I mean, I don’t even have words for it. Intensely beautiful. Dark. Rich.

PETER

Don’t even get me started! It’s top five for me, easy. I guess for my money, I’d probably say it’s edged just slightly by Burial’s Kindred EP, but that’s kinda splitting hairs really.

JEFF

Kindred? Oh my god. I mean, again, I barely have words.

PETER

And, and, I get it. An EP versus an LP? Apples to oranges kind of thing, to some extent. And actually, his Truant/Rough Sleeper EP is so sneaky good. It’s right up there too, 2012 was peak Burial, I think. Right on the heels of–speaking of Massive Attack–that out-of-this-world collaboration they issued in 2011.

JEFF

Four Walls? And that remix of Paradise Circus? Oh god… [exhales in ecstasy]

PETER

Well, so then I wanna get your take on this: What do you think of his more recent work?

JEFF

(starting to really get into it)

Yeah, so I’ll be honest. Subtemple/Beachfires is almost impenetrable to me. I don’t know though, he’s such an incredible artist that I think he’s probably just way ahead of the game, and it’s gonna take the rest of us a while to catch up. Either that, or else he’s just fucking with us!

PETER

(gleefully)

Maybe! Yeah, that could be! At any rate, whatever the case, he’s well ahead of our LORD too!

PETER (CON’T)

I will say though, Young Death is SO gorgeous, so understated. The track Young Death, that is. Still not quite sure what to make of the other half of that EP, Nightmarket. And stepping back to 2013, there are some outraaageous moments on the Rival Dealer EP. One of my absolute favorite bits in all of Burial’s catalogue runs from about the four minute mark in Come Down To Us, till about the five minute mark. Or maybe like 4:15 into the track? I’d have to double check that. But then the last six minutes or so? Wow, still trying to wrap my head around that. Just not entirely sure what to make of it. As a piece of Burial music, that is.

JEFF

Jesus! I actually don’t think I could have put that any better myself.

PETER

So, sorry, where were we? I tend to get a little carried away and lose my train of thought. Oh yeah! So, Massive Attack? And, oh yeah! You had realized that you love Massive Attack more than you love our LORD Jesus?

JEFF

Yeah, more or less. I mean, I…

PETER

(cutting him off, a thousand miles an hour)

Look, don’t think for a moment, not even a moment, it’s not lost on me at all that, I thank our dear LORD that, literally every single day, that I was long, long gone by the time Massive Attack rolled around. And Burial, clearly! Not even to mention Radiohead, sweet Jesus!

JEFF

Oh yeah, Radiohead made me an atheist. And Massive Attack. And Burial would have, but I was already toast by the time I discovered his work. He was clean up duty, for sure though. Does that sound strange? I mean, I’m speaking sort of tongue in cheek here.

PETER

Not at all! I get it! Believe you me, I totally get it! Of course, Radiohead didn’t literally make you an atheist, I get it completely!…

The camera starts pushing in on Peter, and soon he’s all we can see in frame.

PETER (CONT’D)

(utterly breathless)

…But if you really catch that bug, it has this way of burrowing its way into you, into that place that our LORD once occupied, and nudging him out, and then you start really asking tough questions, not settling for easy answers, look, you’re not the first one, and you won’t be the last, and look, believe me, like I said, I’m well thankful–well, well thankful–that I was two thousand years dead, safe and sound up here with our LORD, by the time these cats rolled into town. If I were a modern man, I’d be right there with ya bud! Man, something about that UK music scene! Seriously, what is in the water there? Really, just think about it: Bonobo, Tricky, Floating Points, Johns Hopkins…

He pauses for a second, mumbling and racking his brain.

PETER (CONT’D)

John, Johns, Jonnie…

JEFF

Jon Hopkins?

Peter

Dammit I always do that!

The camera begins pushing in on Peter once again.

PETER (CONT’D)

(breathless once more)

Jon Hopkins, The xx, Portishead, Everything but the Girl, and those are just some of the obvious ones! Then think about some of the up-and-comers like HÆLOS, and if you wanna dig a little deeper there’s artists like The Bug and Flowdan. And look, I know Aphex Twin is sounding conspicuously absent at this point, and, don’t get me wrong, I like Aphex Twin, or I guess I should say I like the idea of liking Aphex Twin, but I feel like there must be some sort of interpretive key with Aphex Twin that I still just haven’t quite found, and believe me it’s a source of ongoing embarrassment, listen to me airing all my dirty laundry, don’t you even dare bring up Autechre, but I suppose in my own defense they’re a bit more niche, although I gotta say I was listening to one of their tracks the other day, tac Lacora I think it was? and there’s this amazing moment about three and a half minutes in, everything resolves and narrows and just…

We hear Jeff’s scream of terror rapidly recede into the distance, as the trapdoor has opened beneath him. Peter looks up and sees Paul’s finger on the big red button.

PAUL

Fuckin’ Christ, Peter. This line is getting backed the fuck up.

Peter glances down at his clipboard. He looks up to the woman who’s next in line and takes a few steps toward her.

PETER

(his back is to the camera, and his lines here fade out)

Sandra? Wow, have I been waiting to chat with you! So, I got to travel to France one time, well actually, we called it Gaul back then, I was in Celtica specifically, actually not too far…

FADE OUT — THE END

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*Hey I can dream can’t I?
**Hey I can dream can’t I?